This story is of the time when the first dot com boom had just begun in India. More parents were now allowing their girl's to study beyond graduation. However, the average age of girls getting married was still 19 to 21 with metro cities being an exception, where it got extended to 23.
Just a few months after my younger sister got married, my mother took me to a professional photographer. My portfolio on these new appearing dot coms for matchmaking needed a matrimonial picture. Relatives in other cities were requested to look for a prospective groom for me. It was all done on a war footing just because I was running in 24.
Age is not the only problem of the matchmaking system.The mindset in our society is a bigger issue. The ideas about the girl they want to take home are materialistic and only mirror the male chauvenistic society we live in. Everyone wants a slim, tall, fair some would even specify sharp features and convent educated girl for whatever type of groom.
I was fair but plum, just about ok height but no sharp features, educated but not from a convent school. A girl with a round face, well-rounded features and working as News Reporter did not fit in any of the matrimonial descriptions. This is my story, born and brought up in Delhi, I did my post-graduate course from Mumbai. These two cities with their polls apart style and culture can empower girls with a lot of confidence, attitude, and strength to take on the world.
The day I was dreading came sooner than expected, "ladke wale, aa rahe hain' (boy's family is coming). I'm not too fond of this culture of the boy and his family coming to see the girl, then the girl's family would wait for their message. I had seen this very closely while staying with my cousin during my PG. I had some bitter memories of the process, but there was no way my parents would listen to me.
I will call him Mr Businessman, the first boy who came to see me at my home with his family. He was slightly overweight, and his height was just about ok, fair, wearing a red colour shirt, with top three buttons open so that his thick gold chain is visible. He had a thick black mobile phone in one hand, only people who earned well could afford a mobile in those days. Both the parents sat in the drawing-room, I served tea with off-course samosas, which I did not make. Mr Businessman and I sat in the dining room to have a chat. He started telling me about his routine – How he wakes up at 8 am takes a bath goes to the temple, have his breakfast and leaves for the factory at 10:30 am, comes back home for lunch, takes a nap till 4 pm, leaves again after tea, to be back around 8 pm. For a moment I thought "How Boring," but to each his own. He asked me about my routine, which I did not have except for the fact that I woke up at 6 am to go for my aerobics session, and I had to leave for office by 8 am, after that its new day every day. I told him there are days when I come back home after midnight, to which he said, "No issues after marriage things change", I frankly did not get him. We had nothing in common and were sitting quit when his father from the other end of drawing-room shouted "areee kya beta achhi lagi toh abhi hi saath le chalen." (if you like it so much should we take her along now). I could see my mom's expression change with the way and tone that his father said what he did. Well, they with all the respect and grace that was needed, we bid them goodbye. I took the opportunity and declared that I am not in for this 'Tamasha'. We mutually decided that I will meet the guy first, and only if I like him will thing move ahead.
Mr General Manager was the second boy I met. I chose Neurulas in Connaught Place, Delhi and Reached five minutes before time. It is a very journalist thing to do, helps you settle and observe. I took the seat beside the window, a comfortable place for two.
It was like officially going on an almost blind date. I confess I was nervous, much more than I was at home. Mr General Manager was a little late. As he walked towards me, I realised he looked better in person than in the picture. Not very tall, slightly plum but fit, whitish skin tone, neat clean-shaven face, Short well-trimmed hair, and a decent warm smile. I guess the training in the hospitality industry made him look groomed because even before he took his seat, he said, "I never thought I would marry a journalist."
His sentence brought me back to the real world. My instant reply was, "It is just our first meeting." I asked him about his family, and he said, "Why do you want to know about my family, I want my wife to mind her own business and me to mind my own." I asked him what he expects from his wife, to which he said, "I want my wife to look good beside me. I can say you will do a good job there." All these replies were enough for me to decide against going any further with this man.
Just FYI, all these meetings were happening after matching our horoscopes. So as per lords, all was well to go ahead and get married. I met this third guy Mr MBA, who was a family reference, at Birla Mandir in Delhi. Since he was coming with his parents, I took my parents along. As our Parents settled in the Temple Varanda, we went for a walk. Like a typical corporate fellow came dressed in a suit, maybe took time out of some busy schedule of his. Fair with little bit curly hair, a round face with specs, not unfit but not too fit either, courteous, polite and chivalrous. We spoke about a lot of things. When we went back to our parents, he admitted and told my mother, "your daughter loves her job, and I am getting married to get a wife who can take care of my parents at home, as I am getting busy by the day." So he rejected me, with which my mothers fear that its tough for journalists to get married started taking shape. I was a reporter and the first one in my mass communication batch to land up a job in a National News Channel. I wasn't ready to give it up for anything at that time.
To meet the 4th guy Mr IIT my mother made me travel to Lucknow. A city where meeting a boy outside was not possible. We met at one of my cousin's house. He was an average looking IIT engineer, working for Volkswagen in Germany drenched in his awe. We were left alone to talk, but since we were at home, my mom and massi, just courtesy sake came to say hello to him. Massi being from Lucknow asked him a few things, and they left. The moment they left poped the sentence, "I hope they do not think it's final between us, the moment parents see an IIT engineer they just want to marry their daughter off with him." I was shocked beyond word for a while, but I gathered my self and politely yet firmly told him, "Listen, degrees don't impress me, I am looking for a human to get married to."
Meanwhile, my career was moving ahead. I got an opportunity to be part of the founding team of a new Hindi News Channel, in Mumbai. I also thought that moving to Mumbai would put a stop to this process of #IndianMatchMaking.
I had just about settled in Mumbai when my mother called and told me that she has fixed up this meeting. Mr NRI, a breed that's perpetually in a hurry to do everything. This guy landed in Mumbai, with a list of girls from the matrimonial site to meet. He had two months to get married and leave. We decided to meet at a Barista cafe. He was handsome and charming, yes if looks would have been my only consideration he would have walked away with me. To my surprise, he came with his Bhabhi Ji, and I ended up chatting more with her than him, before eventually, she figured out that it is Me and Mr NRI, who should be talking. She made some excuse and left, leaving us smiling at each other, thinking of what to say. To break the ice, he asked - what are your expectations from marriage? I was not prepared for this one, had not yet jotted down anything, so playing smart; I threw the question back at him, saying it's not so simple so he should go first. He said, "oh! I am truly clear about it. I want two beautiful daughters from my marriage. I thought wow, excellent clarity, and all this while I was wondering marriage is about looking for a life partner, a friend etc. We finished our coffee and said bye for good.
These experiences and more such things associated with marriage and matchmaking in our society took me to a point where I was sure that there is no need to get married. Probably I would not have, if cupid wouldn't have struck me. I am not too sure how much of it has changed, though I know girls are now putting their foot down and boys are changing. Yet, I know so many parents who only want an IAS or a Defense officer as the son in law. At the same time, even today, a girl is qualified for marriage, only if she can cook. The problem is our upbringing and even today unknowingly parents do, say and practice so many things that create a divide in boys and girls. We have to treat everybody as a human and break these boundaries, restrictions and stereotypes.
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